Things I wish I could say to you: a letter to my ex

Things I wish I could say to you: a letter to my ex

Things I wish I could say to you: a letter to my ex

LTME-postDear M,

I miss you. I miss you everyday. You were my number one support and who I spent most of time with. When you broke up with me, I lost the most important person in my life. One second you were there and the next you were gone. My phone didn’t ring nearly at all. I found myself with so much free time that I had no idea what to do with. We spent so much time together, and all of a sudden it was all gone. All I was left with was this huge hole in heart and life, and I still don’t know how to fill it. I miss you. I miss your voice that was so independent and powerful, yet relaxing and kind. I miss your hair that use to get all over my place, my car, my clothes. I miss your body. I miss holding it and cuddling up at night when we were going to sleep. I miss having you next me. I miss your personality, your caring nature, and your open- mindness. You allowed me to open up to you about every part of my life. I shared so much with you. I know I had a lot of ups and downs, especially more downs, but you supported me through it all. Through getting into med school, my depression, my surgeries, my leave of absence from school and not know if I would return. Through hearing about my past and some of the things I had done, through my struggles with my weight, through all the other good times we had. We had over three amazing and wonderful years together. I best years of life, even with all the stuff I went through.

And yet, you were unhappy especially in the last year. I should have known. I wish I had known just how unhappy you were. I know you struggled with your demons too and I supported you like you did me, but you never opened up to me like I did to you. I didn’t know that my struggles were so damaging to your happiness and our relationship. I wish you had told me that you felt I wasn’t spending enough time with you during med school. I wish you had told me that being an hour and half away recovering from my surgery for two months made you feel so alone and that when I came back you felt everything with our relationship had changed. I wish you had told me that you felt our relationship seemed off when you first noticed and not a week before you broke up with me almost a year later. Did I not create a space for you to feel comfortable to open up about things bothering you? I am sorry I made you so unhappy.

Was what it that caused you to stop loving me and wanting a relationship? On the night you broke up with me you at first tried to blame the future saying because you did not want to get married and have kids and that I might want that stuff our relationship wasn’t going to work. You know I never cared if we got married or not and I certainly don’t want kids either. You then were scared of the future with me going back to school and then residency. I told you that I would better manage my time in school and have plenty of time for you and the relationship and that I would prioritize it over school. As for residency, that would be four years in the future and I would make sure I would be going somewhere close to wherever you wanted to be. I asked if it was our differing political views, which were a lot closer that you realized, or my bisexuality that caused problems, and you said no neither were issues you had. Was that really the truth? I like to think it was, but you never really opened up your feelings to me, so I don’t know. You finally said that you felt that we were on separate pages and things just felt off. You said it felt like that for a year. Why did you never tell me that. I know when I came back from surgery recovery, you had misgivings about our relationship because we had two months of not spending time much together. But, after talking it out, you said you were just overthinking things and wanted to still be in a relationship. I even asked multiple times after for the next couple of months if you felt things were okay and had gotten better and you said yes everything was great. I know in June, we had a fight after I took playing devil’s advocate too far in political discussion and you wanted to end things there, but you changed your mind two days later, saying it was crazy to end things after one fight and that you still loved me and wanted to be with me. You even agreed to work on things so our relationship would be strengthened.

It wasn’t after our fight on my birthday, one month before you broke up with me, that I noticed things seemed off. During that last month you became more distance everyday. I didn’t know what was exactly wrong and you never gave a definite answer when I asked, always saying things were fine. In our last week together, I tried to come up with ways to work on our relationship. Anywhere from spending more time talking about our relationship to counseling. I was willing to try anything to save our relationship. When we got together and talked the day you broke up with me, you rejected every idea I had. You said you did’t think anything could fix things. You would’t confirm what even was broken with our relationship, but no matter what, our relationship was unfixable in your eyes and it wasn’t worth trying.

You hurt me so much that night. I cried for hours that night. I cried for weeks after. I had given you everything and it felt like you threw it all away as of our relationship meant nothing to you. I still hurt two and half months later. I still miss you. I still love you. We spoke about a week ago. It was at two of my closest friends’ wedding. You were there because your parents are best friends with the groom’s (my best friend) parents and your family was invited. About three weeks before the weeding, the bride said you were coming. I didn’t know how I felt about it. Part of me wanted you to not come. I was hurt and heartbroken. I was trying to get over you and move on. Part of me did’t want to talk to you because of what I might say. The other part of me wanted you to be there. I wanted to see you. Wanted to talk to you whether it was just a friendly hello or longer conversation. I wanted to see you one last time because I still loved you. I think that second part of me was the dominant part in how I felt. I am glad you went and we talked, though I don’t think it was for the right reasons or that it was what I needed. Yes, we were civil and talked about movies we just saw, our favorite sports teams recent losses, and school. I even thanked you for accepting my bisexuality and being so open about it. That because you reacted so well, I was able to come out to friends. You even sympathized with me never being able to tell my homophobic/biphobic family and shared how your sister had similar feelings with her sexuality.

But perhaps, I would have been better if we didn’t talk. Since then, all the feelings for you I had pushed away returned just as strong. All the work I put into getting over you and moving on was undone. When we talked it reminded me of how good we were together and all the amazing times we had. I miss you so much and love you so much. I am still not over you and don’t know when if Ill ever be. I tried staying away these past two and a half months. I hid you on social media. I blocked your number and erased it from my phone. I made sure not to go to places you would be at. I did everything I could to take my mind off you. But since that talk, I can’t stop thinking about you, wishing we were back together. Hoping that the talk sparked feelings in you too and that you would want to give us another shot. But, I know that will never happen. On the night you broke up with, you made it clear you wanted me out of your life since i said that I could never just go to being friends after I got over you. The talk at the wedding was just two people being friendly in your eyes. A one time thing that will never happen again. You are probably right that the talk will be a one time thing. I know that I could never just be friends with you. All the feelings I would have to move past would just return.

I wish things could be different between us. I am sorry that you were unhappy with me and that I could not give you the happiness you wanted. I wish I was good enough for you. I wish you all the happiness in the world. All I want is for you to be happy. I love you. I will always love you. You were the best thing that has ever happened to me. You were my light in the darkness. We will always have those three and half years together. But I will stay away. I won’t try to get you back. Whether I find away to move on or not, I will make sure our paths never cross again. It’s what you want and hopefully it will make you happy. But it’s probably better thins way. At least I got to see you one last time.

Here’s looking at you kid,

1 Comment

  1. Josh 3 years ago

    Wow, I felt every single word.

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